more venting

I am so sick of being my mother's personal secretary. I am so sick of her telling me that I won't have to financially overstretch myself anymore but going back on it. Why can't she check her own bank accounts and keep track of them? Should I have to suffer because she can't do anything with her life aside from run a restaurant? That's bitchy, but I'm basically running up debts because my parents have no sense of financial planning. Is this really my responsibility? Every time I check the bank accounts, at least one of them is in the negative. It's frustrating beyond words.

Am I falling apart?

Just now, I started crying hysterically with uncontrolled rage (I tried pulling my hair out) over one of my posters going missing. I noticed it was gone just now, after possibly months of it being gone. It was the poster I got at the 2006 Gator football championship viewing party at the O'Dome in January '07. It seems dumb, but that poster was one of my only tangible memories from college. I'm not that big into sports, but I put the poster over my nightstand and would feel a sense of attachment to my school when I looked at it. Cliche, but I felt school pride.

Tonight I noticed it was gone. Who took it? The man who I unfortunately share genes with. I refuse to call him my father because until now all he's done is make my, my sister's, and my mother's life various degrees of miserable. I feel the worst for my mom because not only did she have to tolerate him all these years, this is her second bad marriage. I feel a corrosive hatred for him right now. This is the last straw.

He either put the poster somewhere else in my house and crumpled it up or he just flat out threw it away with no regard to my feelings or thought to what he was doing. There are four things on the walls in my bedroom at my house. Two--count them--two pictures of god: one of Radha-Krishna and another of just Krishna. I'm not really religious anymore, but I left them up because they're pretty and out of respect. There is another poster of a painting of fairies. He left that one up, but the Gator poster with all the football and basketball players from the two championships was somehow deemed too offensive to leave up there. When I asked why he took it down, he responded "I don't like it." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! How on earth are athletes fucking offensive to you??!!!!! Again, raging hatred. FUCK YOU. I HOPE YOU ROT IN EVERY HELL IMAGINABLE IN YOUR RELIGION.

The man who society considers my father sleeps in my room since I'm not here. It's turned into a kind of storage room now that I've moved out. Fine. Whatever, take my dresser over. Would it have killed him to leave my posters up? I guess it's my mistake, I should have taken them with me when I left. I guess I thought I still could come back here and not be a complete stranger. My mom would never take down and throw away my posters. Never. I hate him. So much.

The main reason I wrote this is because I've been feeling like I'm not normal. I have some kind of anxiety disorder I think. Normal people wouldn't react like this, w0uld they? I don't know. Maybe this response is warranted considering how much he has tortured me throughout my life by his mere presence in our house. All of my life he has literally lived like a pig, and as a result of being so disgusted by his personal habits I have become type A. I am absolutely obssessive over cleanliness.

Normal people wouldn't react to losing a poster like this, no matter how much the sentimental value. I acknowledge that there is something wrong with me, but I don't know what. Maybe it's one those things that can only be fixed with time. Maybe I'm stuck this way. I hope it's the former for the sake of my children.

I hate this place. So much. I want a different father. I want a father who cares for his family, who cares for the feelings of his children, who isn't a religious zealot. I want a father who doesn't have appallingly gross personal habits. I guess that's too much to ask for. I want a new life. I want to start over.

Sometimes life is too absurd to continue. I wonder how to maintain a perspective on things.

Grr

I feel sick to my stomach and alone and depressed. I feel empty. I feel like half of me has been torn away.

Questions

Why does everything suck?
Why can't I go to grad school even though I've wanted to so badly?
Why is everything so unfair?
Why do I have to worry so much?
Why can't I sleep?
Why am I away from Nikhil?
Why do I sound emo?
Why is everything so ridiculous?
Why do I worry about the pseudo-reality I can't control?
Why is everything a joke?
Why is weed illegal?
Why am I trapped inside my own head?
Why can't I see Nikhil?
Why am I tearing up right now?
Why can't I fix anything?
Why has not one year of my existence since the sixth grade been a breeze?
Why have I always felt inadequate?
Why am I a failure?
Why do some people have easier lives than others?
Why are the deserving people never content?
Why do the good people always get screwed?
Why do the bad people always get away with it?
Why do people vote Republican?
Why didn't anyone realize oil was running out before now?
Why does Nikhil love me so much that he would consider making himself miserable?
Why can't I make myself happy?
Why can't I suck it up?
Why don't I have the will to live?
Why do I want to have children when the world is so shitty?
What is going to happen after oil runs out?
Why are people stupid?
Why can't I see Nikhil?
Why is college something I can't take for granted?
Why am I even in college?
Why can't I fix anything?
Why do bad things come with such bad timing?
Why did my mother have her stroke?
Why can't I see Nikhil?
Why can't I see him?
Why is it so unfair?
Why are we separated?
Why can't I sleep?

Anger, at the risk of sounding Emo

So I'm fucking pissed. I'm extremely angry at you. So angry, in fact, that I've been having bad dreams about confronting people. I don't know if they're a sign of my pent up frustration, but it might be safe to assume so. Right now, I have way too much on my plate to be worrying about your life too. I needed someone to pick me up; I didn't want to be the one doing the picking up. I can see the effects of a burdensome husband on my mom and I don't want to be in the same situation. You repeatedly said that you won't do that to me, and I believe you, but I still can't shake the feeling. Why does this crap always happen to me? Why do I always have to end up dealing with problems other than my own? It's not fair. I think my problems are enough. Why have both of my attempted relationships had something decidedly abnormal about them? Why isn't ours normal? Why did you hide this from me? Why did you make me feel like an idiot for trusting you? I feel incredibly naive for trusting you. I don't know how to get those feelings back that I had for you. It's not so much that you flunked out of school, it's that you lied about it to me. It's that I thought you were at least on some kind of path, albeit one you hated, but at least you could support me if I needed it in the future. Not that I want to be dependent on a man. I never did. But I also don't want a man to be dependent on me. If that makes me selfish, so be it. I'm selfish. I don't want my children to grow up like I did, constantly seeing my mother stressed about whether or not she'll be able to make ends meet. And my father, a person who always leeched off of her, never felt any shame about the fact that he'd cook his inedible food everyday without contributing to the household. I hated and still hate my life for that reason, because I don't want to be constantly worried about shit like that. I feel bad even talking about going to India when I know my mom could lose our house at any point. I'm so powerless to do anything about it. Is my mom just going to continue working until she dies? I don't want her to, and thats why I'm willing to sell my soul and go to law school, so I can help her if she needs it.
On top of all this, you tell me that you're not even in school. How do you expect me to react? This puts my plans off by three years, which is a long time in the scheme of things when you're young and in your twenties. I wanted to have kids by the time I was like 27, but I'm not going to do it if I feel financially insecure. I don't even know if we'll reach that point, because I don't know where my feelings are. I feel like an empty shell of a person....my blog's title suddenly seems so appropriate, and ironically enough it wasn't even referring to something like this. I feel completely void of emotion, and I hate feeling like this. I don't know if its just toward you...it's really toward everyone. I feel this incredible hatred/indifference toward everyone/everything. I don't know what to do about it. My heart no longer does that flutter thing when you're around me. I miss it. I miss feeling something when I hug you...I can't kiss you because it'd be meaningless. Maybe it'll get better with time...I don't know. I have no idea. Maybe if we're forced to spend time apart it'll make my heart grow fonder. I hope that's what happens. I have no way of predicting anything...and I hate to tell you all of this. I wish I could tell you it'll be ok. I have no idea. I do know that things won't be normal for a long time. Does this mean I am breaking up with you? Yes and no. I need time to think, but it's not like I can consider myself a free bird who can date other people. So no, I'm not breaking up with you because I can't really move on that quickly. I don't understand people who can. At the same time, I don't feel any sense of belonging to you as your girlfriend. I feel like you're my friend right now, and if you haven't noticed I've been treating you as such. You're my friend whose life I am helping to get on track. We can talk about going back to normal after the summer is over. I can't deal with all the uncertainty right now. I feel like I should be moving past this, after all, it's not a huge deal; it could be worse. A lot worse. You could be a crack addict.
I changed my mind. I don't know if it's so much that I'm mad at you than I feel empty and emotionless. I need to get to know myself again...I don't understand why this is the second summer I'm spending feeling this way. Maybe it's because I feel deceived and stupid and naive. Maybe. Or maybe I really have no idea what I'm feeling. Maybe I'm trying to go back into the hole I crawled out of a year ago...that hole seems quite comforting right now. It seems like a wonderful existence to be able to feel nothing. I feel nothing. Nothing at all. And you triggered it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I make you cry. Just because I feel nothing doesn't mean I don't feel empathy. I just don't know how to fix this. I'm tearing up right now. I've never teared up while writing. It's a strange feeling. I think I've descended into writing stream of consciousness now. I remember when you wrote me your stream of consciousness. I went back and read it the other day, and I couldn't help but feel that it was a half truth. I should have realized everything was too good to be true, that somewhere, somehow, you weren't be honest with me. But yeah, going back to what I was saying. I've reached a conclusion. More than mad, I just feel nothing. Nothing at all. About anything or anyone, except for my mom and sister. And you, to the extent that one feels for a best friend. I don't know what else to say. That's the best I can give you right now. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry doesn't even seem like enough. I love you, but I don't know how much. I trust you, but I don't know how much. I don't know anything. I'm going to stop rambling now.

It's pretty sad when Tucker Carlson has to defend Clinton against Dan Abrams. He claims to be defending liberal candidates and yet he does more for the Republican attack machine than Tucker Carlson. Who gives a shit if a woman on Hillary's campaign worked for a subprime mortgage lender? It doesn't make her stance on subprime loans any less sincere.

I also love how Obama had to reassure everyone that he was indeed not Muslim. Would it be so horrible if he was? Has anyone come out and say "Hey, it's ok if Barack Hussein Obama is Muslim." No. Instead: "Oh my god he's Muslim?! He's a terrorist!" I mean, this says a lot about our tolerance as a people that we can't stand the idea that a presidential candidate would be anything but Christian. No wonder Bobby Jindal converted. We're so effing closed-minded as a people compared to other Western countries.

Politics is such a joke. Really, everything is a joke. I was going to write about something that pissed me off last week, but I don't remember anymore. Man, I sound emo. Oh! It was about how Gainesville drivers piss me off. Really, the South in general pisses me off. They insist on driving slowly when there are people behind them who can't pass them. How obnoxious.

I also don't understand people who are self-important about morality. I get that you have "morals", but how can you pass judgment on someone when you've never been in a position to have to make that decision? Indian people do this a lot. I feel like I can't be who I am around them because I know they'll pass judgment on decisions I've made and therefore I'm distancing myself from them. I recognize I used to be kind of like that, but I usually passed judgment based on the person's intelligence. I hate to say this, but I have no respect for stupid people.