Am I falling apart?

Just now, I started crying hysterically with uncontrolled rage (I tried pulling my hair out) over one of my posters going missing. I noticed it was gone just now, after possibly months of it being gone. It was the poster I got at the 2006 Gator football championship viewing party at the O'Dome in January '07. It seems dumb, but that poster was one of my only tangible memories from college. I'm not that big into sports, but I put the poster over my nightstand and would feel a sense of attachment to my school when I looked at it. Cliche, but I felt school pride.

Tonight I noticed it was gone. Who took it? The man who I unfortunately share genes with. I refuse to call him my father because until now all he's done is make my, my sister's, and my mother's life various degrees of miserable. I feel the worst for my mom because not only did she have to tolerate him all these years, this is her second bad marriage. I feel a corrosive hatred for him right now. This is the last straw.

He either put the poster somewhere else in my house and crumpled it up or he just flat out threw it away with no regard to my feelings or thought to what he was doing. There are four things on the walls in my bedroom at my house. Two--count them--two pictures of god: one of Radha-Krishna and another of just Krishna. I'm not really religious anymore, but I left them up because they're pretty and out of respect. There is another poster of a painting of fairies. He left that one up, but the Gator poster with all the football and basketball players from the two championships was somehow deemed too offensive to leave up there. When I asked why he took it down, he responded "I don't like it." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! How on earth are athletes fucking offensive to you??!!!!! Again, raging hatred. FUCK YOU. I HOPE YOU ROT IN EVERY HELL IMAGINABLE IN YOUR RELIGION.

The man who society considers my father sleeps in my room since I'm not here. It's turned into a kind of storage room now that I've moved out. Fine. Whatever, take my dresser over. Would it have killed him to leave my posters up? I guess it's my mistake, I should have taken them with me when I left. I guess I thought I still could come back here and not be a complete stranger. My mom would never take down and throw away my posters. Never. I hate him. So much.

The main reason I wrote this is because I've been feeling like I'm not normal. I have some kind of anxiety disorder I think. Normal people wouldn't react like this, w0uld they? I don't know. Maybe this response is warranted considering how much he has tortured me throughout my life by his mere presence in our house. All of my life he has literally lived like a pig, and as a result of being so disgusted by his personal habits I have become type A. I am absolutely obssessive over cleanliness.

Normal people wouldn't react to losing a poster like this, no matter how much the sentimental value. I acknowledge that there is something wrong with me, but I don't know what. Maybe it's one those things that can only be fixed with time. Maybe I'm stuck this way. I hope it's the former for the sake of my children.

I hate this place. So much. I want a different father. I want a father who cares for his family, who cares for the feelings of his children, who isn't a religious zealot. I want a father who doesn't have appallingly gross personal habits. I guess that's too much to ask for. I want a new life. I want to start over.