So I'm fucking pissed. I'm extremely angry at you. So angry, in fact, that I've been having bad dreams about confronting people. I don't know if they're a sign of my pent up frustration, but it might be safe to assume so. Right now, I have way too much on my plate to be worrying about your life too. I needed someone to pick me up; I didn't want to be the one doing the picking up. I can see the effects of a burdensome husband on my mom and I don't want to be in the same situation. You repeatedly said that you won't do that to me, and I believe you, but I still can't shake the feeling. Why does this crap always happen to me? Why do I always have to end up dealing with problems other than my own? It's not fair. I think my problems are enough. Why have both of my attempted relationships had something decidedly abnormal about them? Why isn't ours normal? Why did you hide this from me? Why did you make me feel like an idiot for trusting you? I feel incredibly naive for trusting you. I don't know how to get those feelings back that I had for you. It's not so much that you flunked out of school, it's that you lied about it to me. It's that I thought you were at least on some kind of path, albeit one you hated, but at least you could support me if I needed it in the future. Not that I want to be dependent on a man. I never did. But I also don't want a man to be dependent on me. If that makes me selfish, so be it. I'm selfish. I don't want my children to grow up like I did, constantly seeing my mother stressed about whether or not she'll be able to make ends meet. And my father, a person who always leeched off of her, never felt any shame about the fact that he'd cook his inedible food everyday without contributing to the household. I hated and still hate my life for that reason, because I don't want to be constantly worried about shit like that. I feel bad even talking about going to India when I know my mom could lose our house at any point. I'm so powerless to do anything about it. Is my mom just going to continue working until she dies? I don't want her to, and thats why I'm willing to sell my soul and go to law school, so I can help her if she needs it.
On top of all this, you tell me that you're not even in school. How do you expect me to react? This puts my plans off by three years, which is a long time in the scheme of things when you're young and in your twenties. I wanted to have kids by the time I was like 27, but I'm not going to do it if I feel financially insecure. I don't even know if we'll reach that point, because I don't know where my feelings are. I feel like an empty shell of a person....my blog's title suddenly seems so appropriate, and ironically enough it wasn't even referring to something like this. I feel completely void of emotion, and I hate feeling like this. I don't know if its just toward you...it's really toward everyone. I feel this incredible hatred/indifference toward everyone/everything. I don't know what to do about it. My heart no longer does that flutter thing when you're around me. I miss it. I miss feeling something when I hug you...I can't kiss you because it'd be meaningless. Maybe it'll get better with time...I don't know. I have no idea. Maybe if we're forced to spend time apart it'll make my heart grow fonder. I hope that's what happens. I have no way of predicting anything...and I hate to tell you all of this. I wish I could tell you it'll be ok. I have no idea. I do know that things won't be normal for a long time. Does this mean I am breaking up with you? Yes and no. I need time to think, but it's not like I can consider myself a free bird who can date other people. So no, I'm not breaking up with you because I can't really move on that quickly. I don't understand people who can. At the same time, I don't feel any sense of belonging to you as your girlfriend. I feel like you're my friend right now, and if you haven't noticed I've been treating you as such. You're my friend whose life I am helping to get on track. We can talk about going back to normal after the summer is over. I can't deal with all the uncertainty right now. I feel like I should be moving past this, after all, it's not a huge deal; it could be worse. A lot worse. You could be a crack addict.
I changed my mind. I don't know if it's so much that I'm mad at you than I feel empty and emotionless. I need to get to know myself again...I don't understand why this is the second summer I'm spending feeling this way. Maybe it's because I feel deceived and stupid and naive. Maybe. Or maybe I really have no idea what I'm feeling. Maybe I'm trying to go back into the hole I crawled out of a year ago...that hole seems quite comforting right now. It seems like a wonderful existence to be able to feel nothing. I feel nothing. Nothing at all. And you triggered it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I make you cry. Just because I feel nothing doesn't mean I don't feel empathy. I just don't know how to fix this. I'm tearing up right now. I've never teared up while writing. It's a strange feeling. I think I've descended into writing stream of consciousness now. I remember when you wrote me your stream of consciousness. I went back and read it the other day, and I couldn't help but feel that it was a half truth. I should have realized everything was too good to be true, that somewhere, somehow, you weren't be honest with me. But yeah, going back to what I was saying. I've reached a conclusion. More than mad, I just feel nothing. Nothing at all. About anything or anyone, except for my mom and sister. And you, to the extent that one feels for a best friend. I don't know what else to say. That's the best I can give you right now. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry doesn't even seem like enough. I love you, but I don't know how much. I trust you, but I don't know how much. I don't know anything. I'm going to stop rambling now.
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Much of this I cannot reply to as it is fully truth. There are, however, a few points I would like to dispute - for better or worse.
First, you said, in reference to the stream of consciousness I sent you, that you "went back and read it the other day, and I couldn't help but feel that it was a half truth."
I don't understand how any of it could have been a half-truth. The gist of it was altogether very true. I had three concerns before the fateful Thursday and those were the state of the world, making you happy, and, in the end, finding some way not to fail you as your father failed your mother. I stick to those ideals, and in no way, shape, or form have they changed. I still want to study humanity. I still want to make you happy. I still intend to get through this bullshit and move on and be the person you need.
That hurts when you say it feels like all I had to say before I told you about my situation was half-truths, but I know what you're going through right now and I can understand why you would feel that way.
I never wanted this to happen, but it did. I have to pay for it. The only thing that really gets me about paying for it is that I really don't know what I am paying for anymore. A better future? With whom?...Self-esteem? With what basis?...
I am going to try my hardest to be what you thought I was before. The person you fell in love with is still right here, but he's just in a different place. Perhaps one day you can find it in your heart to acknowledge his place as one worth paying attention to...but until then, I will do what I can on my own and I am extremely sorry for what I did to you.
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